End Of Life vs. Quality of Life

[hatsbo]

My wife's 86 year old dad had a stroke Thursday night in Tally. He's in I.C.U. while they try to figure out the extent of the damage. American Airlines was nice enough to transfer my miles to her so she could go down yesterday without the big $ hit. We were told by the staff yesterday that he was pretty much unresponsive. She saw him for the first time this morning. Although he cannot speak and has a hard time opening and focusing his eyes, he responded to her and my brother's prompts with hand waves, hand squeezes and verbal noises. He was living alone in his house and still driving, spent Xmas here in VA, seems to still enjoy life. He has had several medical issues with the kidneys and heart the last couple of years, resulting in hospital stays. Because of the unpredictably of stroke recovery, this might end up being a hard call, guess we'll know more when we get more results.

 

[SoddyNole]

T's & P's for your family Hatsbo.

 

[billanole]

Tough news. Hang tough. Some folks respond pretty well and have good years after a stroke and I really hope this is the case for y’all.
I am in Tally for my mom’s 87th birthday. We will enjoy whatever good moments that show up, as she has been on the Alzheimer’s path for years.

 

[DFSNOLE]

I've been through this with my mom. She had her first stroke and while not as bad as you describe, spent a week in the hospital then several in the rehab facility. She recovered from that one but the doctors told us that there would be one at some point that she would not. That one came a couple of years later.

The goal of my brother, sister and me was to first make sure she was comfortable as possible both physically and emotionally. We made sure her wishes came before ours. That wasn't always easy but we thought it best. We tried to make decisions based on logic and medical guidance, not our wants. We each communicated directly to her that if she was ready, to not worry about us. We would take care of each other and be okay. That sounds a little detached and it probably was but in the end, we were all in a good place when she passed.

No doubt it's tough but I believe it should be about your father in law first and not others. Best of luck to you all.

 

[LesClaypool]

Best of luck, OP. Sounds very tough. Your thoughtfulness will no doubt be an asset to your wife and her family.

 

[JohnnieHolmesNole]

Very tough process. Best wishes as you navigate this difficult time.

 

[flatskw88]

I've been through this with my mom. She had her first stroke and while not as bad as you describe, she spent a week in the hospital then several in the rehab facility. She recovered from that one but the doctors told us that there would be one at some point that she would not. That one came a couple of years later.

The goal of my brother, sister and me was to first make sure she was comfortable as possible both physically and emotionally. We made sure her wishes came before ours. That wasn't always easy but we thought it best. We tried to make decisions based on logic and medical guidance, not our wants. We each communicated directly to her that if she was ready, to not worry about us. We would take care of each other and be okay. That sounds a little detached and it probably was but in the end, we were all in a good place when she passed.

No doubt it's tough but I believe it should be about your father in law first and not others. Best of luck to you all.

DFS,

Sage advice and what a great example for me as the health of my aging (80 plus) is starting to decline.

Thank you!

 

[goldmom]

My Mom went through a very similar situation before passing last June at 90. She recovered somewhat after the first stroke at 88, but several smaller strokes eventually took her.
It may be too early to determine what sort of recovery her Dad can make at this point. The old fella may surprise you yet.

 

[noleology]

Hang in there bro.
My Mom had her first stroke at the age of 83 (2006) and lived good until last March (2017) when she had a heart attack and then fell and broke a hip. (two days after her 95th birthday)....Probably would still be here today if the nursing home wouldn't have decided to have an "active shooter drill". My Mom was British military in WWII in London. She shot down German aircraft that were bombing the city from strategic bunkers. The day they had their little drill, she had flashbacks about air raids she had experienced. the ordeal gave her a heart attack and she fell and did the damage to her hip. She was hard of hearing pretty much all her life after the war.
I say all this to say, stroke recovery is real. It takes work and rehabilitation, and a lot of it. My Mom was a survivor all her life.
Don't give up when things appear bleak in the beginning. Hang tough.

 

[hatsbo]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone, and sharing the experiences you've had with your parents. I neglected to mention that my wife is a medical social worker and clinical therapist(FSU degrees)who works with mainly elderly. She assesses seniors who are still living at home and implements strategies to keep them there as long as their health allows it. Obviously I think her skills will be well utilized in this situation. A good report this evening, her dad answered several questions including his name, date of birth, current president and my wife's name.

 

[Finance85]

My mom has been in a nursing home for 3 years. She is pretty much bed ridden. She can almost manage to get in her wheelchair by herself, but that's about it. She has no quality of life; she just exists.

 

[JohnnieHolmesNole]

My mom has been in a nursing home for 3 years. She is pretty much bed ridden. She can almost manage to get in her wheelchair by herself, but that's about it. She has no quality of life; she just exists.

So sorry to hear this. Godspeed.

 

[hatsbo]

Update on my dad in law. So far he can see out of one eye, although he has to manually lift the eyelid, not sure how good as he prefers it closed. Requests things without prompts, but speaks in limited sentences. Cat scan revealed damage on left side of brain. He can't eat yet and they are suggesting he be put on a ventilator and food tube. When asked yesterday if he wanted that he said rather forcefully "no." He is suffering from tachycardia, which they are trying to control with medication, this might have caused the stroke. So yesterday, not a real positive day, not sure if his brain is to the point of whether you can trust his opinions on continuation of his care.

 

[goldmom]

Still too soon to make a determination. Hang in there.

 

[JohnnieHolmesNole]

Update on my dad in law. So far he can see out of one eye, although he has to manually lift the eyelid, not sure how good as he prefers it closed. Requests things without prompts, but speaks in limited sentences. Cat scan revealed damage on left side of brain. He can't eat yet and they are suggesting he be put on a ventilator and food tube. When asked yesterday if he wanted that he said rather forcefully "no." He is suffering from tachycardia, which they are trying to control with medication, this might have caused the stroke. So yesterday, not a real positive day, not sure if his brain is to the point of whether you can trust his opinions on continuation of his care.

Good days and then bad ones (or vice versa). Be strong. Tough process, for sure.

 

[seminole97]

So yesterday, not a real positive day, not sure if his brain is to the point of whether you can trust his opinions on continuation of his care.

I want my loved ones to see that recognition as an answer in and of itself.

 

[Finance85]

So sorry to hear this. Godspeed.

Thank you.

 

[InjunJoe]

Hatsbo,

I offer my condolences and share my experience with my mother's stroke. She had had three and died of complications from her third at the ripe old age of 64. Yes, she was relatively young. The last one took most of her ability to speak and swallow. Hopefully, your FNL's situation will not be that bad. Over a matter of months I watched her melt away. She was offered a feeding tube but refused because of her experiences taking care of the elderly as a nurse. We did not force the issue. Despite the stoke she was still there mentally and made her choice. We respected it despite the unavoidable result. You wife sounds like she is well experienced in this area. Be patient. Support her. And respect his wishes.

 

[billanole]

My mom has been in a nursing home for 3 years. She is pretty much bed ridden. She can almost manage to get in her wheelchair by herself, but that's about it. She has no quality of life; she just exists.

My mom has been bedridden a while as well. It is not so easy, but try to remember her as the young lady you grew up with and treat her as such.... don’t fall into the trap of thinking of her as a bedridden gal with not much happening. We try to joke and cut up as much as possible since that was our childhood. Mom responds to that kind of activity, but does not have lots of giddy up these days.
I hope that the good moments somehow exceed ones not so good.

 

[BarryB1081]

He have a living will and / or health care power of attorney? Those legal documents can help to determine his wishes.

 

[hatsbo]

He have a living will and / or health care power of attorney? Those legal documents can help to determine his wishes.

Talked with my wife this morning, she's had three days to assess the situation consulting with the neurologist, family doc, etc. They did another cat and his right side brain has around 75% damage. His bp yesterday was 150/130 so the tachycardia is still not under control and if they can't reel it in this will be getting worse. He is still somewhat responsive but is saying some nonsensical things as well. He's twitching, pulling at the hospital mask, yelling for pain meds, etc. In other words my wife went through hell yesterday watching all of this. She seems to be leaning to hospice care at this point, dad's girlfriend who, get this, is a home care nurse for the elderly, suggested moving him to a VA hospital in PC. In answer to your question Barry, she is starting to work on that, he was not good at keeping track of his books. We touched on that briefly, apparently he has a will, it was drawn up in NC, she seems to think it doesn't carry from state to state. She also mentioned he was on do not resuscitate, not sure about respirator or feeding tube, which he said no to a couple of days ago.

 

[hatsbo]

Update on dad in law. Officially under hospice care, no beds available so still at the hospital. He could die at any time or not. He and his girlfriend are Messianic Jews, and she announced that he had wanted to be buried within 24 hours of dying, jewish protocal. So our heads are now about to explode, flying down to Tally now.

 

[billanole]

Update on dad in law. Officially under hospice care, no beds available so still at the hospital. He could die at any time or not. He and his girlfriend are Messianic Jews, and she announced that he had wanted to be buried within 24 hours of dying, jewish protocal. So our heads are now about to explode, flying down to Tally now.

Hospice was really good when my dad died. Hopefully he will pass easily.

 

[goldmom]

Hospice was a very important part of helping my Mom at the end, but they were as equally helpful to our family as a whole.
Blessings to your family and best wishes.

 

[DFSNOLE]

Hospice was a very important part of helping my Mom at the end, but they were as equally helpful to our family as a whole.
Blessings to your family and best wishes.

Hospice was really good when my dad died. Hopefully he will pass easily.

Those who work with Hospice are some of God's best.

 

[EconSean]

Those who work with Hospice are some of God's best.

My mom was the head nursing supervisor for Citrus County’s hospice for years (after several decades as an RN in the local hospital).

Takes a special kind of person to work in hospice.

 

[littleitch1]

Op and all others, I feel your pain literally!

In a tough spot with my dad

Alzheimer’s sucks!

 

[bigmamanole]

Thoughts and prayers.

 

[cbailey284]

Sorry to hear of your situation. I hope he is in comfort and you are able to spend time with him during this time and be of comfort to your wife.

 

[hatsbo]

Tony Lequire's amazing 85 years of life here on Earth came to an end early Saturday morning. I flew in Friday evening and was able to spend time with him that night. My wife slept in his room the last three nights and I was astounded by her courage. He was a Christian, but attended a Messianic Synagogue in Thomasville. So according to his wishes, he was buried with a Jewish ceremony Sunday afternoon. The rabbi, his wife and Rocky Bevis and staff did a wonderful job. Dad was a thirty year Navy veteran, an endodontist who attended Tennessee. He was in many port of calls, Sasebo, Japan, where my wife was born, Guam, San Diego, Norfolk and finally at Camp Lejeune in Jacksonville, NC. He spent a good bit of time over in Nam helping rebuild soldiers mouths/jaws with facial wounds. After his retirement he got into computers and owned a store in Jacksonville. He was the master of the pun, I knew none better. Unfortunately he was also a master of the corny jokes, we suffered through many of those, lol. We will miss him greatly.

 

[goldmom]

Thanks for sharing, Hat. Sincerest condolences to you and your wife.

 

[DFSNOLE]

I'm very sorry for your family's loss. He seemed like a fine man who will be remembered fondly by all who knew and loved him.

 

[SeaPA]

He sounds like a great guy who I'd have enjoyed knowing. My condolences.

 

[NoleFan2U]

Sorry for your loss. T&Ps from the NoleFan2U family.

 

[JohnnieHolmesNole]

Very sorry to hear this, but your current pain will soon be replaced by only warm memories. Death is an unavoidable part of life. Be strong and remember the good times. Godspeed.

 

[Spenser1]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone, and sharing the experiences you've had with your parents. I neglected to mention that my wife is a medical social worker and clinical therapist(FSU degrees)who works with mainly elderly. She assesses seniors who are still living at home and implements strategies to keep them there as long as their health allows it. Obviously I think her skills will be well utilized in this situation. A good report this evening, her dad answered several questions including his name, date of birth, current president and my wife's name.

My aunt had a MASSIVE stroke and made a complete recovery in a few months. She was lucky because my uncle was a doctor and right there to make sure everything was done correctly. But in any case she did make a complete recovery so don't give up hope!