Ever take in a kid?

[BelemNole]

Just found out our next door neighbor from our previous house died suddenly. Her husband died a few years ago from cancer. They’ve got two boys in high school that were already dealing with the loss of a parent and now this. Their grandparents are an hour or two away so I imagine that means moving. Can’t think of how they will manage. Son has been friends with the younger one since diapers. Haven’t told him yet.
Anyway, I’m sure they’re better off with family but they’ve lived here their whole lives. Now both parents are gone and they’ll have to move in the middle of high school. Woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how to remodel the the upstairs to make more rooms.
Time to check up on my life insurance and will.

 

[Spearhead04]

No, but good of you to care. Are the kids good kids or the type that would steal everything in your house? Also, how does the rest of your family feel about this? Do the grandparents want them to live with them?

 

[billanole]

We had a couple of cousins move in during elementary school while their parents worked through a bad stretch. Being family, the kids responded well to my parents direction. I missed them after they moved out.

Since your son has a history with one or both of the boys, I hazard a guess you and wifey have also interacted with them. You likely would not have considered this if there were huge red flags.

That would be a huge undertaking, but truly an amazing thing if y’all did. Kudos for even considering helping those guys out.

 

[seminoleed]

Yes, Belem, you have a good soul. That's a rare thing these days, and I admire it.

 

[ericram]

No but have taken in adults. I imagine kids are easier.

 

[RunRonnieRun]

Hide your stash.

 

[BelemNole]

We had a couple of cousins move in during elementary school while their parents worked through a bad stretch. Being family, the kids responded well to my parents direction. I missed them after they moved out.

Since your son has a history with one or both of the boys, I hazard a guess you and wifey have also interacted with them. You likely would not have considered this if there were huge red flags.

That would be a huge undertaking, but truly an amazing thing if y’all did. Kudos for even considering helping those guys out.

Well, the older boy has had some issues since his father died. But you can’t just take one.
Wife told me when I got home that she found out today that the mom had recently quietly married the guy she was seeing- no one knew until now. So maybe the boys stay with him and his kids. They’re at the grandparents now, but it’s spring break. See what happens in a few weeks.

 

[BelemNole]

Hide your stash.

I already do - I got my own kids.

 

[seminole97]

Almost.
Mother of four disappeared. Family all had records so DCF had placed the youngest three in a foster to adopt home. Oldest was about to turn 5 in a few months.
Wife knew of the mother and children from her practice.
We submitted the letter to DCF to begin the adoption process on Friday, that Monday my wife learned she was pregnant with our second. So that didn’t happen.
The missing mom showed up a few months after that, which could have been a mess, but then she ODed a few months later.
All those kids were adopted.

 

[RangerNole]

Just found out our next door neighbor from our previous house died suddenly. Her husband died a few years ago from cancer. They’ve got two boys in high school that were already dealing with the loss of a parent and now this. Their grandparents are an hour or two away so I imagine that means moving. Can’t think of how they will manage. Son has been friends with the younger one since diapers. Haven’t told him yet.
Anyway, I’m sure they’re better off with family but they’ve lived here their whole lives. Now both parents are gone and they’ll have to move in the middle of high school. Woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how to remodel the the upstairs to make more rooms.
Time to check up on my life insurance and will.

Yes both related and unrelated. PM me and we can chat. Hanging with the family the rest of the night.

 

[SeaPA]

Hide your stash.

No, hide your good stuff, and leave some ragweed "hidden" in an easily discovered spot. Then you'll know when they've begun to partake.

 

[goldmom]

Yes, Belem, you have a good soul. That's a rare thing these days, and I admire it.

Agree. Belem and I have some er, divergent views on politics, as argued on other forums, but this would be waaay up there in the good person category. Best Wishes to those kids.

 

[TennNole17]

Trust your gut.

 

[fsu1jreed]

You are a great human being, Belem.

I've already made up my mind that if something were to happen to my brother and his wife that I would take in their kids.

 

[Bartdog]

We had a distant cousin of my wife whose mom was having some problems. She was a senior in high school the same year our younger daughter was. Her dad lives in another city a few hours away. We took her in from January through graduation and a couple of weeks after. It was a very busy time since our oldest daughter was graduating from fsu the same time. It all worked out because we had the space and she fit right in. She had a lot of the same interests as our kids and they got along well. It was very challenging with three graduations, two on back to back days. She still keeps in contact with us and comes to visit when she comes this way to visit her mom.
Probably obvious, but I forgot to say we'd never actually met this girl before, just knew her grandmother.

 

[62Nole]

Lot of people with heart in the LR.

 

[NoleFan2U]

Lot of people with heart in the LR.

True. They just dont want anyone to know. It might ruin their reputation.

 

[wbnolefan2]

It would be great if you could take them in to at least let them finish this school year - frame it that way and then see if it would work long term.

 

[RangerNole]

Working from home this week and the schedule says spend time on Warchant 0925-1025, so here goes.

We have taken in several nephews when their father died, my BIL, 1 girl (daughters best friend) when her father died and the mother was not allowed custody and have had several girls that are friends with my daughter or son essentially live with us for various reasons such as being raped or the dad is an alcoholic and they felt safe in our home.
There are a bunch of things to consider and just having a good heart will not alleviate potential issues. My nephews were pretty easy, other than the food bill going up significantly. They all came to live with us to be trained in preparation for enlisting in Army SOF. My wife had been the favorite aunt since their birth and when they were young she had taken care of them numerous times, we saw them regularly as they grew up, their dad and I were good friends and they were here for a mission/purpose. I did have to balance spending time with them and my own kids, especially my son. Overall it went pretty well and since they were all part of a very nasty divorce they had a pretty jaded view on marriage. In the end each of them told us they watched my wife and I interact and we helped adjust their views on marriage.

The girls were a little more difficult since they weren't family and all of them had been through a crisis prior to living with us. The girl who had been raped was pretty easy and probably the only real draw back was on my wife. The girl wanted to talk and get advice from my wife a lot; which took time away from me and my daughter, but the wife managed and had conversations with my daughter to insure she understood what we were doing; plus the girls mom and my wife were on the same page and she was very appreciative for the help. As a reference my son knew this girl since kindergarten and her mom had to tell my son what happened to her, but t=was hesitant due to fear of what my son might do. I did have to work that out with him. The girl who's dad is an alcoholic was/is easy, she still will stay here for various stretches and her mom and my wife talk all the time. Her mom is very appreciative and even tells my wife that she is her daughters 2nd mom.

The girl who's father died had some ups and downs; mainly centered around trying to follow what we had as rules for our kids. Nothing major and the girl is a good girl; but she lived differently than we did and my wife did a good job trying to manage that. Nothing major just dress code, language etc. My wife was involved with the Guardian Ad Litem person who was assigned to her and those in her biological family that lived other places. We were involved with our school so pretty much everyone was on the same page. As an FYI my daughter was there when this girls dad died; which lead to the 2 of them forming a pretty serious bond. My daughter at 14 or so was thrust into kind of being the go to person for this girl, which was hard and effected my daughters other friendships and life.

The biggest thing to realize is that your family has to be on the same page and all in on the decision because it effects them all a lot. Things like one on one time with your own kids decreases. Space can be an issue but we have a 3000 square foot house with a 1000 square foot basement, so this wasn't a huge issue. Even if the unrelated kids were at your house everyday prior to actually living there it is not the same as having kids over. Now they live with you and you have to help solve their problems and just like your own kids you have no idea when issues will arise and how they will effect your time and everyone else in the house. Just remember this is not an extended sleep over. You also have to remember they aren't your kids and their parents will have a say in things. The other parents can also get jealous that you experience special things with their kids. Sounds silly but even telling the birth parents about a great trip/memory to the park can cause an issue. There is probably more I can tell you; but it is not coming to mind right now. Hope this helps

 

[NDallasRuss]

Ever take a kid?

Yes. I mean no.

 

[seminoledq]

Working from home this week and the schedule says spend time on Warchant 0925-1025, so here goes.

We have taken in several nephews when their father died, my BIL, 1 girl (daughters best friend) when her father died and the mother was not allowed custody and have had several girls that are friends with my daughter or son essentially live with us for various reasons such as being raped or the dad is an alcoholic and they felt safe in our home.
There are a bunch of things to consider and just having a good heart will not alleviate potential issues. My nephews were pretty easy, other than the food bill going up significantly. They all came to live with us to be trained in preparation for enlisting in Army SOF. My wife had been the favorite aunt since their birth and when they were young she had taken care of them numerous times, we saw them regularly as they grew up, their dad and I were good friends and they were here for a mission/purpose. I did have to balance spending time with them and my own kids, especially my son. Overall it went pretty well and since they were all part of a very nasty divorce they had a pretty jaded view on marriage. In the end each of them told us they watched my wife and I interact and we helped adjust their views on marriage.

The girls were a little more difficult since they weren't family and all of them had been through a crisis prior to living with us. The girl who had been raped was pretty easy and probably the only real draw back was on my wife. The girl wanted to talk and get advice from my wife a lot; which took time away from me and my daughter, but the wife managed and had conversations with my daughter to insure she understood what we were doing; plus the girls mom and my wife were on the same page and she was very appreciative for the help. As a reference my son knew this girl since kindergarten and her mom had to tell my son what happened to her, but t=was hesitant due to fear of what my son might do. I did have to work that out with him. The girl who's dad is an alcoholic was/is easy, she still will stay here for various stretches and her mom and my wife talk all the time. Her mom is very appreciative and even tells my wife that she is her daughters 2nd mom.

The girl who's father died had some ups and downs; mainly centered around trying to follow what we had as rules for our kids. Nothing major and the girl is a good girl; but she lived differently than we did and my wife did a good job trying to manage that. Nothing major just dress code, language etc. My wife was involved with the Guardian Ad Litem person who was assigned to her and those in her biological family that lived other places. We were involved with our school so pretty much everyone was on the same page. As an FYI my daughter was there when this girls dad died; which lead to the 2 of them forming a pretty serious bond. My daughter at 14 or so was thrust into kind of being the go to person for this girl, which was hard and effected my daughters other friendships and life.

The biggest thing to realize is that your family has to be on the same page and all in on the decision because it effects them all a lot. Things like one on one time with your own kids decreases. Space can be an issue but we have a 3000 square foot house with a 1000 square foot basement, so this wasn't a huge issue. Even if the unrelated kids were at your house everyday prior to actually living there it is not the same as having kids over. Now they live with you and you have to help solve their problems and just like your own kids you have no idea when issues will arise and how they will effect your time and everyone else in the house. Just remember this is not an extended sleep over. You also have to remember they aren't your kids and their parents will have a say in things. The other parents can also get jealous that you experience special things with their kids. Sounds silly but even telling the birth parents about a great trip/memory to the park can cause an issue. There is probably more I can tell you; but it is not coming to mind right now. Hope this helps

Way too long for me to read it all but the first line made me laugh.

 

[Fijimn]

Yes, and these days their parents, pets, friends...my house is the Motel 6 for the downtrodden. When my wife and I got married, my wife's nephew came to live with us. His mom was having some financial issues and her boyfriend was worthless. My nephew was going to sleep on the couch and have to transfer to a new school. He was 13 at the time and gave him the option to stay with us. He stayed until we got him graduated from high school and he got a pretty good trade job. Then, as I have previously posted, nephew, wife, baby and nephew's mom (SIL) started living with us over a year ago.
Now my wife's niece is probably going to come live with us. She is having a lot of emotional difficulties after the death of her father 2 years ago and her non-involved mom.

Probably the most difficult thing in a family relationship is to become a step-parent or surrogate parent. We have our set of values and beliefs in what is important, and most of the time those are different from the situations that the kids come from. It took me a really long time to figure out what are my core values that I will not change and require the kids that I have looked after to change to and what are things that are not really that important and not worth the fight.

 

[Formerly Rockymtnole]

Ever take a kid?

Yes. I mean no.

Darn Amber Alerts...

 

[Formerly Rockymtnole]

Yes, and these days their parents, pets, friends...my house is the Motel 6 for the downtrodden. When my wife and I got married, my wife's nephew came to live with us. His mom was having some financial issues and her boyfriend was worthless. My nephew was going to sleep on the couch and have to transfer to a new school. He was 13 at the time and gave him the option to stay with us. He stayed until we got him graduated from high school and he got a pretty good trade job. Then, as I have previously posted, nephew, wife, baby and nephew's mom (SIL) started living with us over a year ago.
Now my wife's niece is probably going to come live with us. She is having a lot of emotional difficulties after the death of her father 2 years ago and her non-involved mom.

Probably the most difficult thing in a family relationship is to become a step-parent or surrogate parent. We have our set of values and beliefs in what is important, and most of the time those are different from the situations that the kids come from. It took me a really long time to figure out what are my core values that I will not change and require the kids that I have looked after to change to and what are things that are not really that important and not worth the fight.

What would happen if you just said no and took your house back?

 

[Fijimn]

What would happen if you just said no and took your house back?

We are starting the press my nephew's family to get their bankroll going. They paying off a tax penalty for not have health insurance (for the time period before he and she got their full-time with benefits job), and legal fees for his wife to become a full-blooded "Murican Citizen (f-yeah). They are above water now and starting to float. So we are probably looking at them staying for another 18 months to get a down payment collected and sitting in his account for the requisite time.

My nephew's brother is the one that past away and left the little girl that we are talking about coming to live with us. He wanted to live with us and his brother. But he had some discipline/behavior issues that I felt I wasn't prepared to handle as a parent so early in my marriage and already being a step-parent. He, obviously, felt like we didn't want him and resented us. Unfortunately, by the time we got a bigger house and felt like we could take him in, he was headed down the wrong path. His mother and I tried to get him straight and out of trouble but could stop the train. Sadly, he passed away, alone, in some kid's backyard after partying too much. I will never forgive myself for not helping him.

That's not to say a strong push out the door is not forthcoming...

 

[Formerly Rockymtnole]

That's tough. Good luck.

 

[BelemNole]

Thanks for the replies. Right now it looks like they might be able to stay in their existing home with the new step-dad and their step-brothers. That would probably be the best result.

 

[SoddyNole]

I will never forgive myself for not helping him.

Some people a honestly looking for a helping hand while others are looking for an enabler. You trusted your instincts and did the best you could and should not blame yourself for someone hell-bent on a path of destruction. A little introspection may reveal a better understanding of ones empathy and humanity and assist in forgiving one's limitations.

 

[maddog69]

Have adopted 3 and currently fostering 3. Are all between the ages of 7-13. We are working with a contractor now on getting some plans for a new bathroom addition!!!!!!

 

[Nolomite]

"Yes, I took in a kid for a few hours - but it didn't work out so well for me!"

- L.T.

 

[JohnnieHolmesNole]

Agree. Belem and I have some er, divergent views on politics, as argued on other forums, but this would be waaay up there in the good person category. Best Wishes to those kids.

Totally sucks for those kids, no matter where they go. But maintaining some semblance of stability and familiar faces would likely be very helpful. Kudos to you for being a solid human being.

 

[FSUTribe76]

Just found out our next door neighbor from our previous house died suddenly. Her husband died a few years ago from cancer. They’ve got two boys in high school that were already dealing with the loss of a parent and now this. Their grandparents are an hour or two away so I imagine that means moving. Can’t think of how they will manage. Son has been friends with the younger one since diapers. Haven’t told him yet.
Anyway, I’m sure they’re better off with family but they’ve lived here their whole lives. Now both parents are gone and they’ll have to move in the middle of high school. Woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how to remodel the the upstairs to make more rooms.
Time to check up on my life insurance and will.

I haven’t done it myself nor if I’m being honest would I be likely to do it. But I know three separate instances where it occurred so I’ll add what I know to your wealth of info.

I dated a girl in PCB for about six months or so whose parents were murdered when she was in HS and she stayed with her neighbors (who were also parents of her friend) for at least a year or so. She was a stunningly brilliant girl maybe the smartest person I’ve met period as she graduated near the top of her class in Yale, but because of the trauma she underwent and the lingering bipolar issues she never really used that toolkit. She is/was moderately successful and has a perfectly ordinary career for a regular college grad, but that’s nowhere near her potential.

My aunt took in two HSers (one senior and one frosh) because their parents were in the Air Force and they didn’t want to go to school in Okinawa after their father went there. The parental neglect didn’t cause them to turn into criminals or anything but the older boy didn’t go to college, had kids young and his kids had grandkids super young to the point where he’s only a few years older than me (I think 47-48) yet may be a great grandfather soon no joke. The daughter did go to community college and has something resembling a decent career in retail management but she had her first grandkid soon and her kids are just as lost as the older boys. Just wastes of human potential really. Not criminal but generations of people people who amount to nothing. They’re not dumb, they’re the definition of average but they did not live up to their average potential really.

The third example I know about was a friend of my mother who took in a girl who was a HS senior after her parents and sister were killed in a car accident. As far as I know she is an actual success story. Because last I heard she graduated from college and had a solid career and ended up getting married at a reasonable age and had a reasonable amount of kids after a reasonable amount of time. So her terrible backstory didn’t effect her real life moving forward (at least much).

 

[BelemNole]

You are a great human being, Belem.

I've already made up my mind that if something were to happen to my brother and his wife that I would take in their kids.

Yeah let’s not let this get out of hand. I’m the same asshole I’ve always been - but we’re talking about literal orphans here. Kids that have spent a fair amount of time in my house growing up. It might put a crimp in things but I think most of you would consider it.

 

[fsu1jreed]

Yeah let’s not let this get out of hand. I’m the same asshole I’ve always been - but we’re talking about literal orphans here. Kids that have spent a fair amount of time in my house growing up. It might put a crimp in things but I think most of you would consider it.

It isn't binary, you can be an asshole and a good human being. And would definitely consider it.

 

[Nolomite]

It isn't binary, you can be an asshole and a good human being.

That is the path I've settled for...

 

[seminoledq]

It isn't binary, you can be an asshole and a good human being. And would definitely consider it.

Very true. I'd like to think I am pretty good at both.

My kids ran with good crowds growing up so I would be much more open to taking in their friends if they came on hard times. As belem said, they spent many days in my house starting at a young age (and my kids at their house) so for the most part they would know what my expectations of them would be.

That said, I am having a hard enough time getting my own damn kids out of my house so I'm not in a hurry to add anymore right now.

 

[billanole]

Very true. I'd like to think I am pretty good at both.

My kids ran with good crowds growing up so I would be much more open to taking in their friends if they came on hard times. As belem said, they spent many days in my house starting at a young age (and my kids at their house) so for the most part they would know what my expectations of them would be.

That said, I am having a hard enough time getting my own damn kids out of my house so I'm not in a hurry to add anymore right now.

We changed the street sign and door locks when ours went to college. Get out!!

 

[RangerNole]

Yeah let’s not let this get out of hand. I’m the same asshole I’ve always been - but we’re talking about literal orphans here. Kids that have spent a fair amount of time in my house growing up. It might put a crimp in things but I think most of you would consider it.

You know Belem you make a point that is so missed in society today and that is that kids need other men and women in their lives that they trust and feel like they can go to. There are some things and situations where a strong mentor/role model is priceless. I have always tried to make sure my kids have people besides me and my wife. We had a football coach at our school that was just amazing, he walked the halls and knew every kid by name. Granted small school with about 500 kids, but they all liked him and he set the example with how he lived his life. New admin and he had a big salary so they let him go; even though we went to state every year pretty much. I talked to the admin and said remember he is not just a football coach but he mentors so many kids here and you can't replace that. Admin didn't listen and after he left they hired an idiot who eventually was arrested for hitting his girlfriend. They did the same thing with our bball coach and when he left students were crying on his last day. The point is strong men and women influencing young people is imperative to a good society.

 

[funksouljon]

Ever take a kid?

Yes. I mean no.

dude, I was just reading DanCs thread about him watching the neighborhood kids from his windows and this is exactly how I read the title.