I'm not against spanking, but it just wasn't effective. People from a generation or two ago like to say "I got spanked and I turned out fine", but in those generations everyone that DIDN'T turn out fine got spanked also. I'm very dubious of it's effectiveness.
I learned with my first one. I was a pretty young parent, remembered getting spanked a couple times as a child, and also thought...it seemed to work. I was disabused of that quickly. There was no way I was willing to spank hard enough to inflict enough pain to get results with my first daughter. And it was heartbreaking...she was troublesome, but too good natured to really even make the connection that I was trying to make her hurt as punishment. It was awful, and got no response later as a threat. Spanking is only working if the threat becomes the discipline after one or two rounds. Having to literally spank your kid over and over is no good, and quickly makes you miserable.
And then I stumbled quite on accident to the one thing that made an impression...she was raising hell in the car while I was driving one day, and at wits end, I just improvised that I would pull over to spank her on the corner where all the cars going by could see her. I hadn't spanked her for months, and had no real intention, but her reaction to that idea made me think I might finally have found my play. I pulled her out, screaming, and walked her to the corner of the intersection. Knowing I was setting myself up for arrest and child services, I swatted her so gently that it would be impossible for anyone to even know what I was doing, other than trying to control a screaming child. That was it...the public part of it was the key. From then on I never had to spank her again, just threaten to spank her in public. If she was behaving bad in the car, even just slowing down would get a reaction.
My second daughter was not too much trouble, maybe got one or two swats on the butt at most. She always has had her own mind, and I've never felt I had much control over her, and I'm not sure that has ever changed. She doesn't make trouble, and I don't know what I'd do if she did.
My last one, my son, we kept in control with a wooden spoon that never hit him. Somehow the threat of it was enough the first time I pulled it out. Took a couple swings at him once in a while and "just missed" and that was always enough...he was scared of the spoon. We also turned this lock around on his room, so we could lock him in. He could play in his room for an hour on his own, but if you said you were locking him in for 5 minutes, it was bloody murder to him. Those two things got us through.
I just found that you have to find the one or two things that get their attention. I actually think a real spanking is usually pretty far down the list. And the amount of escalation required over time to keep it a threat is just unendurable as a parent.
I think it is best reserved as the nuclear option for young kids who do something extremely dangerous. I don't think it's wrong to spank a kid for running into the street or biting another child or playing with the stove, if they are too young to really understand, and you need to impart a very clear "this action = pain" message. After having raised three, that's the only thing I would reserve spanking for.
Pretty much everything else is within limits for me. I did a few pretty, um, unorthodox things over the years to get results.
I learned with my first one. I was a pretty young parent, remembered getting spanked a couple times as a child, and also thought...it seemed to work. I was disabused of that quickly. There was no way I was willing to spank hard enough to inflict enough pain to get results with my first daughter. And it was heartbreaking...she was troublesome, but too good natured to really even make the connection that I was trying to make her hurt as punishment. It was awful, and got no response later as a threat. Spanking is only working if the threat becomes the discipline after one or two rounds. Having to literally spank your kid over and over is no good, and quickly makes you miserable.
And then I stumbled quite on accident to the one thing that made an impression...she was raising hell in the car while I was driving one day, and at wits end, I just improvised that I would pull over to spank her on the corner where all the cars going by could see her. I hadn't spanked her for months, and had no real intention, but her reaction to that idea made me think I might finally have found my play. I pulled her out, screaming, and walked her to the corner of the intersection. Knowing I was setting myself up for arrest and child services, I swatted her so gently that it would be impossible for anyone to even know what I was doing, other than trying to control a screaming child. That was it...the public part of it was the key. From then on I never had to spank her again, just threaten to spank her in public. If she was behaving bad in the car, even just slowing down would get a reaction.
My second daughter was not too much trouble, maybe got one or two swats on the butt at most. She always has had her own mind, and I've never felt I had much control over her, and I'm not sure that has ever changed. She doesn't make trouble, and I don't know what I'd do if she did.
My last one, my son, we kept in control with a wooden spoon that never hit him. Somehow the threat of it was enough the first time I pulled it out. Took a couple swings at him once in a while and "just missed" and that was always enough...he was scared of the spoon. We also turned this lock around on his room, so we could lock him in. He could play in his room for an hour on his own, but if you said you were locking him in for 5 minutes, it was bloody murder to him. Those two things got us through.
I just found that you have to find the one or two things that get their attention. I actually think a real spanking is usually pretty far down the list. And the amount of escalation required over time to keep it a threat is just unendurable as a parent.
I think it is best reserved as the nuclear option for young kids who do something extremely dangerous. I don't think it's wrong to spank a kid for running into the street or biting another child or playing with the stove, if they are too young to really understand, and you need to impart a very clear "this action = pain" message. After having raised three, that's the only thing I would reserve spanking for.
Pretty much everything else is within limits for me. I did a few pretty, um, unorthodox things over the years to get results.
