Do you regret having your kids?

[surfnole]

I don't regret it at all. They're grown now and I'm a grandma, and my only wish is that I'd had another one!

When they were teenagers my credo was "Someone in this house might die today and it will NOT be me."

They tease me about the rants I went on but I think they love me. Okay, there was that one time when my son snuck in the back gate DRUNK and passed out on a pool chaise. We couldn't find him, none of his friends knew where he was and (remember these) he didn't respond to my paging him.
I found him at 4 AM and rolled the chaise right into the pool. He woke up quick. The final insult was that I took his pager and made him watch while I crushed it with a hammer.

I've calmed down a lot since the late 90's. . But I love them with all my heart.

Haha. My best friend at 16 "ran away" and stayed in my room for three days. My mom would come in, sit on my other bed, and say "his parents are worried sick about him, do you know where he is?". I would say no, when he was laying under the bed two feet below her.

 

[billanole]

Haha. My best friend at 16 "ran away" and stayed in my room for three days. My mom would come in, sit on my other bed, and say "his parents are worried sick about him, do you know where he is?". I would say no, when he was laying under the bed two feet below her.

Aah, the old runaway routine. How many times did I see that?

 

[billanole]

Wow....just rereading the thread. So sorry.

Manch and 62 lead the Tribe in resilience. Hang tough, men.

 

[BelemNole]

Nope.

This (I imagine) is the greatest feeling and most rewarding. Parenting can't touch Leo on a yacht full of models...and if you say it can or does, you're lying...and you're wrong.

I'm sure Leo is having more fun right now, but I don't think I'd swap. Life is long.

 

[FreeFlyNole]

Sometimes I feel like my kids are the only truly worthwhile thing I've done in my life.

My wife and I both do our best to give each other time off to do the things we like, I do miss doing a lot of couples stuff with my wife, those opportunities are fewer and further between. But still, I couldn't imagine my life without those little booger pickers.

 

[Wendy79]

I think this was the original article http://www.marieclaire.com/culture/a22189/i-regret-having-kids/

"
As more time passed, Laura felt convinced that she had made a life-altering mistake. "I hated, hated, hated the situation I found myself in," she says. "I think the word for what I felt is 'trapped.' After I had a kid, I realized I hated being the mother to an infant, but by then it was too late. I couldn't walk away and still live with myself, but I also couldn't stand it. I felt like my life was basically a middle-class prison."

Well....welcome to the real world. LOL. I think all of my married male friends, even without kids, have felt like this at one time or another. We escape via internet message boards from our alma mater. The sacrifice we pay for the biological imperative. On the other hand, not everybody needs to keep up with the Jones'es when they have kids.

"In Germany, novelist Sarah Fischer's recent book The Mother Bliss Lie: Regretting Motherhood tackles the idea that motherhood is a pretty miserable existence when compared to the detached experience of many fathers."

That's simply thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. No way I would have been a cube jockey for 30 years without a wife and kids to support.. And why would any father want a "detached experience"?

"And Donath is right: For many countries, raising a family still constitutes a vast landscape of unpaid work that falls almost wholly on women's shoulders. "

Another grass is greener on the other side argument. I would elaborate, but want to keep the thread going and not get locked.

That's a pretty good job of discounting other people's thoughts/feelings.

And why would any father want a "detached experience"?

It's not necessarily that the father wants a detached experience. But I know a lot of men who, kids or no, do less housework, cooking, childcare, pet care, etc. I know one who won't even make his own doctor's appointments (yes, his wife is a bit of an enabler, but he would seriously never go to the doctor even if he was sick if she didn't make the appointment...even when he had back surgery/rehab). I also know a lot of men who do take a more active role in the family, so you can skip the "well that's not me/not all men" argument.

Men don't have to sacrifice their bodies, their hormones, their careers, their lives (the US has one of the worst maternal mortality rates in the world among developed countries). They don't have to worry about finding a job when they're 6 months pregnant (yes, it's not supposed to be a factor in hiring, but it absolutely is, and women still hear negative comments at work from their managers..."oh, you're pregnant again...how much time are you going to take off?"). Oh, and let's not forget that small companies are exempt from FMLA...one of my friends was working (mostly from home) less than a week after two of her births...and the second birth almost resulted in her and her son dying.

I'm guessing none of you have severely disabled children. You don't have to worry about what happens when they're too big for you to carry. What happens to them when you're gone. My parents' neighbors' second boy had the cord wrapped around his neck when he was born and was deprived of oxygen for far too long. Permanent brain damage. He's nonverbal. He's about 5'10 and probably pushing 200 pounds. He has no impulse control. He still wears diapers. He can walk. He punches when he gets mad. Oh, and thanks to medical malpractice, the mom had her foot amputated so she can't get around well. I hope upon hopes that their first son (who is smart and nice and hardworking) can get out of Dodge and get an education instead of being stuck at home taking care of mom and brother for the rest of his life. I don't know that they regret having a second child, but I'm certainly not going to begrudge them if they do.

 

[Nole Lou]

No, never for a second regretted it. Probably because we had them young and my life wasn't that exciting before, and because we never faced massive challenges that some parents face (as Wendy referred to).

As someone else said, my kids are the only meaningful and good thing that I've ever accomplished, and the only thing I've done that will leave any positive impact in the world. I think I was made to be a dad. I never regretted missed experiences, because although we've had fewer experiences, it was worth it to do them with the kids.

For a long time my only regret was that they ended up so spaced out...I'd just about be an empty nester by now if they'd been two years apart. But in about the last 18 months, as my second one gets ready for college and my youngest has become a teenager...I've literally started to almost be panicky about not having kids around. I'm not sure why I wasn't expecting it, as much as I enjoyed being a dad, but I've felt like I was ready to be done...and now...not so much.

While rationally it doesn't make any sense, there is a not insubstantial part of me that really regrets not having a 3 or 4 year old right now. Babies are ok, but I just got a tremendous amount of enjoyment out of my kids from that age on.

My wife and I didn't grow up with close grandparents, and my kids didn't have grandparents close, so we'd always kind of imagined that when the kids were all out we might move to California or Colorado or some random place for a real change in scenery. But now, I'm not sure I can potentially move away from grandkids. I don't know if I can be the kind of grandparents that see the kids a couple times a year. I suspect that this may be a major potential conflict with my wife in the coming years.

 

[nynole1]

OP, my son just turned a year old a couple of weeks ago, so we may be at similar stages? Anyway, if I am being completely honest, there were times when I thought "What the hell was I thinking?", especially the first 6 months. I am 39 and REALLY wanted to have kids for a few years, so I was surprised I felt the way that I did, a little detached for various reasons. However, once he was around 6 months, the interaction between us changed dramatically. Now at a year, I literally couldnt be happier and cant wait to wake up and see him every morning. I would post a pic of the cute little sucker, but I didnt see anyone else in the thread do it

 

[62Nole]

Post the pic N Y . We would enjoy it.

 

[AllNoles]

No. But at the same time I’m not one of those parents who is sad about moving to the next phase of life when my youngest graduates in a few months. I know some who can’t stand the idea of what life will be like then. I simply not in that camp. I believe there’s a season for everything. I love my kids and will always keep them close to my heart but excited about them becoming adults.

 

[Banditking]

That's a pretty good job of discounting other people's thoughts/feelings.


It's not necessarily that the father wants a detached experience. But I know a lot of men who, kids or no, do less housework, cooking, childcare, pet care, etc. I know one who won't even make his own doctor's appointments (yes, his wife is a bit of an enabler, but he would seriously never go to the doctor even if he was sick if she didn't make the appointment...even when he had back surgery/rehab). I also know a lot of men who do take a more active role in the family, so you can skip the "well that's not me/not all men" argument.

Men don't have to sacrifice their bodies, their hormones, their careers, their lives (the US has one of the worst maternal mortality rates in the world among developed countries). They don't have to worry about finding a job when they're 6 months pregnant (yes, it's not supposed to be a factor in hiring, but it absolutely is, and women still hear negative comments at work from their managers..."oh, you're pregnant again...how much time are you going to take off?"). Oh, and let's not forget that small companies are exempt from FMLA...one of my friends was working (mostly from home) less than a week after two of her births...and the second birth almost resulted in her and her son dying.

I'm guessing none of you have severely disabled children. You don't have to worry about what happens when they're too big for you to carry. What happens to them when you're gone. My parents' neighbors' second boy had the cord wrapped around his neck when he was born and was deprived of oxygen for far too long. Permanent brain damage. He's nonverbal. He's about 5'10 and probably pushing 200 pounds. He has no impulse control. He still wears diapers. He can walk. He punches when he gets mad. Oh, and thanks to medical malpractice, the mom had her foot amputated so she can't get around well. I hope upon hopes that their first son (who is smart and nice and hardworking) can get out of Dodge and get an education instead of being stuck at home taking care of mom and brother for the rest of his life. I don't know that they regret having a second child, but I'm certainly not going to begrudge them if they do.

I think everyone’s situation is different.

If you have a good marriage, marriage is great. If a bad one, it can literally kill you (see recent jama article on marital stress and health outcomes).

My kids are great. Don’t like babies. My wife struggled with the shift on the first one. And, that shift in freedom is large. As they’ve gotten older, we’ve got a great rhythm and life is good. They’re healthy. They’re nice. We have a lot of resources.

But, I’ve been in homes via an old job in which children had severe disabilities and health problems. It takes a special kind of person to flourish and see the bright side of that. Neurodegenerative diseases in grade school were probably the worst thing I saw. Your 5 year old boy is normal, energetic, playful and happy. Develops a little twitch. Doc tells you your boy has a disease that will slowly take that away and he will be dead in 5-8 years. The deterioration is gradual. Eventually, the boy is in a motorized wheel chair, his head strapped into a seated position, his eyes and face, slack. And yet, in this case, it’s only his body that has failed him. His intelligence is intact. He’s trapped. How do you watch that as a parent? It’s an absolute horror show.

 

[FSUATT]

Sometimes I feel like my kids are the only truly worthwhile thing I've done in my life.

My wife and I both do our best to give each other time off to do the things we like, I do miss doing a lot of couples stuff with my wife, those opportunities are fewer and further between. But still, I couldn't imagine my life without those little booger pickers.

While my wife and I did plenty for our kids, we also realized that the marriage came first and that it was important for us to do things without the kids. We tried to have a date night at least every week or two,and to take one vacation a year without the kids. We wanted the kids to have outside activities, but we also put limits on them so that we were not always running from here to there. Our goal was to have everyone at the dinner table most nights of the week.

As for the original question, I have no regrets at all. We certainly had some challenges along the way, but the good times far outweighed the bad.

 

[RTM58]

The kids no, but the ex-wife.....yeah!

 

[Fijimn]

I married my wife when her daughter was 10; at the same time we took in her nephew who was 13. My wife and I had every intention of having our own children a few after getting married. But life got away from us and the constant battles of having two teenagers in the house caused us to keep putting off having kids. Pretty soon we were 38-39 and decided that we had missed our window and we that was fine. We were beginning the process of downsizing, moving out of the subburbs, etc.

A last minute junket to Las Vegas on the way back from California and way too many beers at the pool, and life through us a curveball. But we were really excited about having a baby. Then, Sawyer (my daughter) was born at 26 weeks and weighing in at a robust 1 lb 14 oz. I spent 105 days in the NICU praying that she would be able to go home with us. That time in the hospital made me realize and accept what was truly important in life-for me. And I was very upset when we tried to have more kids, that my wife's age was going to prevent us from having more.

That being said. Most of our friends do not have children. I can't say my life is more fulfilling than there's...it's just different.

 

[surfnole]

While my wife and I did plenty for our kids, we also realized that the marriage came first and that it was important for us to do things without the kids. We tried to have a date night at least every week or two,and to take one vacation a year without the kids. We wanted the kids to have outside activities, but we also put limits on them so that we were not always running from here to there. Our goal was to have everyone at the dinner table most nights of the week.

As for the original question, I have no regrets at all. We certainly had some challenges along the way, but the good times far outweighed the bad.

This is important, because if you don't work on your marriage, with kids, you each go your own way. Then the kids get old and move out, and you are staring at a stranger.

 

[funksouljon]

OP, my son just turned a year old a couple of weeks ago, so we may be at similar stages? Anyway, if I am being completely honest, there were times when I thought "What the hell was I thinking?", especially the first 6 months. I am 39 and REALLY wanted to have kids for a few years, so I was surprised I felt the way that I did, a little detached for various reasons. However, once he was around 6 months, the interaction between us changed dramatically. Now at a year, I literally couldnt be happier and cant wait to wake up and see him every morning. I would post a pic of the cute little sucker, but I didnt see anyone else in the thread do it

We are close, in age and in where kids are. Getting out of diapers was a huge step up. We are also very much in the "paying in" phase. I would post a pic but ever since photobucket changed, I haven't bothered with finding a replacement for image hosting.

....... We tried to have a date night at least every week or two,and to take one vacation a year without the kids. We wanted the kids to have outside activities, but we also put limits on them so that we were not always running from here to there. Our goal was to have everyone at the dinner table most nights of the week.
.......

We've definitely discussed needing more us time. See previous statements about being so far from family <her parents give us grief if we try to do a date night when they are here, but thats a different in-law thread.

 

[dvorbs11]

This is important, because if you don't work on your marriage, with kids, you each go your own way. Then the kids get old and move out, and you are staring at a stranger.

You're so right. You will become roommates versus romantic partners if you don’t keep It going while the kids are at home. Kids cost a lot of money but worth it.
You never stop worrying about your kids. Mine are grown and I worry every day about them. This causes some stress and the worry adds ages me.

 

[Formerly Rockymtnole]

My wife and I try to have a date night every week. She usually goes on Friday and I go on Saturday.

 

[LesClaypool]

My wife and I try to have a date night every week. She usually goes on Friday and I go on Saturday.